yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
