Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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