She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
