kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
