I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
