Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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