Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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