ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
