Duck Duck Cougar?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
