Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize