I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
