just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
