What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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