i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
