I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
