Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
