I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
