i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Randomize
