I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
