We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
