Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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