I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
