Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
