I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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