I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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