I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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