I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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