just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
