I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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