I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
