Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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