How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
