i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
