Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
