awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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