How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
