He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
