I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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