Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
