the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
