remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
