Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
