Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
