Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
soo... how was my night?
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