So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
