dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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