You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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