You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
