Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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