I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
