My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
