I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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