Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
as a side note pls kill me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
