3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
