somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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