I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
