i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
