I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
