He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
