I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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