Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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