He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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